Week CXI (444): Advice Squad


This week's contest was proposed by Thomas Croll of Centreville. Take any letter from any of today's advice columns -- Ann Landers, Miss Manners, Tell Me About It, or Ask Marilyn (in Parade) -- and answer it in the voice of someone famous, living or dead. Fifty words, max. First-prize winner gets a genuine "Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius" rubber wig, a promotional item supplied by the filmmaker in the hopes of securing favorable treatment from The Post, whose eventual review opined that this animated film "contains mild scatological references and little else of interest."  

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CVII (440), in which we asked you to tell us what was happening in any of these cartoons.

Many people suggested that Cartoon 5 was "a woman listening to the can-can."

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up:

(Cartoon 5) Spot often dreamed of where he'd like to put that rolled-up newspaper. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

[diam]Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon 3) In Sally's case, that thingy in the back of the throat WAS a little punching bag. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Yes, Cheese Grater Man was on the scene of the crime, but nobody, not even Cheese Grater Man himself, felt any better about it. (Eric Schaffer, Silver Spring)

[diam]First Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Volvo's new line of men's sweaters. (Ralph Scott, Washington)

[diam]And the winner of the Slug Chowder and moose-poop swizzle sticks:

(Cartoon 7) After years of being misused by ignorant American's, the apostrophe commits suicide by drinking poison. (Chris Hill, Santa Fe, N.M.)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon 1

Bob tried this "going on line" thing, but wasn't impressed. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Man falls in love with acute angle. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Midgets tend to have trouble with chopsticks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Because he was the best in the world, Sven was disappointed that butt-sledding was only a demonstration sport at the Olympics. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Calista Flockhart's son learned from an early age not to climb on Mom. (Clay Hale, Winchester, Va.; David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Seconds too late, Fritz realizes that the pole vault on ice is not a good idea for a Winter Olympic event. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

In a last-ditch effort to let others know of his plight, the Incredible Shrinking Man capitalizes on the nose hair from hell. (Daniel Helming,

Maplewood, N.J.)

Cartoon 2

Special agent Liebowitz begins to have concerns that the Bureau's new Al Qaeda terrorist sting operation is not well conceived. (Fred S. Souk,

Reston)

Wallace mistakenly thought his girlfriend had promised to sleep with him if he "wears a condo."

(Tom Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.)

Having no feet, Rodney was kicked out of the Hot Air Balloon Club for constantly poking through too many baskets. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg)

Walter Gropius regretted for eternity his pact with the Devil. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

Cartoon 3

Never tell an extremely literal person to hold her breath. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Greta Van Susteren completes her Fox TV makeover by ripping out her own soul. (Brian C. Broadus, Charlottesville)

Always one for complicated solutions to simple problems, Lois has just noticed that her clothes are on inside out. (Niels Hoven, Houston)

This woman is signing the Starr Report for her deaf friends.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Just another stupid sight gag.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Laurence Pearl, Washington)

An old and lonely Linda Lovelace.

(John Bauer, Gaithersburg)

It's not enough to find your inner child. Sometimes it needs a handshake, too. (Mark Young, Washington)

Never tell a lawyer she has a heart of gold. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Ann decided that if she wanted her arms to be the same length, she would have to chew off most of the longer one. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

The captain of the women's hurling team. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Chris Doyle, Burke)

Cartoon 4

The crotch-guided Segway never did catch on. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

This man is high on mushrooms.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

You can tell it's an election year when the suits are spinning like crazy.

(Mark Young, Washington)

Abducting earthlings is more challenging for aliens from smaller planets. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Cartoon 5

Lucy keeps a log in her head of her day's activities. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Russia's venerable can-and-string telephone system was transformed by wireless technology.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Never again would Rachel awaken to find that her ears had been mysteriously pierced. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Loretta doesn't want to hear that she has a nose like the Transamerica Building. (Marc Leibert, New York)

After a long career as a goalie in a foosball game, Sara is really enjoying her retirement. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Cartoon 6

Redneck hara-kiri. (Dmitri Levitas, College Park; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A man who was given a choice of sawing himself in half or "cuddling" for an hour. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

The Great Gorbonzo had fallen on hard times: He could no longer afford a tuxedo OR an assistant.

(Mike Genz, La Plata)

Cartoon 7

A man on a bender.

(John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Jeffrey Dahmer informs Robert that what he has been drinking is literally "a cup of Joe." (Ned Bent, Herndon)

C-sickness. (Matt Burke, Alexandria; J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Ken Lay takes one fifth too many. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.)